Holiday Tug-of-War: How to Balance Time with Your Family and Your Spouse’s

Let’s face it—splitting holiday time between your family and your spouse’s can feel like a logistical nightmare. Whether you celebrate Christmas or Hannukah, we know that you’re juggling traditions, travel plans, and the emotional expectations of everyone involved. The first step? Give yourself some grace. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed! Start by sitting down with your partner to share what matters most to each of you. From there, map out a plan that respects both sides without running you ragged. Not sure how to create boundaries and split holidays fairly between families? Read on for more of our tips so you can stress less and actually enjoy this year’s holiday celebrations!

Here’s How to Split Holidays Between Families Without Making Anybody Angry

#1 Start with Open Conversations

The holiday season can be tricky to navigate when two families are involved, and the best way to avoid misunderstandings is by starting with open, honest conversations with your partner. It’s important to discuss each family’s expectations early—whether it’s your in-laws wanting to spend Christmas Eve together or your family typically hosting Thanksgiving dinner.

Different traditions and priorities can easily clash, especially if divorced parents or other complexities come into play. By talking things through well in advance, you’ll have time to address potential conflicts, plan thoughtfully, and find ways to make the season enjoyable for everyone involved.

Make sure to check in with your partner about what matters most to them, and don’t forget to express your own feelings about what traditions or events you want to honor. Aligning as a team is key to navigating splitting the holidays without unnecessary stress or hurt feelings.

Actionable Tip

Schedule a “holiday planning night” with your spouse in October or November to map out your plans. Grab some coffee or wine, and treat it like a fun brainstorming session. Make a list of must-dos for both families, discuss any deal-breakers, and figure out how to split holidays between families in a way that feels fair and balanced.

#2 Prioritize Non-Negotiables

When you’re navigating the holiday season, not every event or tradition will be observed in the “biggest” way. That’s why it’s so important to identify the moments that truly matter to each family. For example, maybe your family loves hosting Thanksgiving dinner, but your spouse’s parents live for their annual Christmas Eve party.

Honoring these key traditions ensures that you focus on the celebrations that bring the most joy to each side while leaving room for flexibility on smaller gatherings. Take the time to talk to your spouse about what’s most important for their family and share your own non-negotiables. Understanding these priorities makes compromising easier and helps avoid misunderstandings or unintentional hurt feelings.

Actionable Tip

Sit down with your partner and create a list of top priorities for each family. For instance, if one family always has a big Christmas Eve dinner, make it a focus this year. Build your schedule around those must-have moments while leaving space for downtime or more casual events.

This will ensure you meet expectations without feeling pulled in too many directions. Write your plan down so you can reference it during the chaos of the holidays. It’s easier to feel confident about your choices when you’ve already decided what matters most.

#3 Get Comfortable with Saying No

Let’s face it: you can’t do everything, and the holidays will be much more joyful if you learn to say no when you need to. Overcommitting can lead to exhaustion, frustration, and even resentment, which takes the fun out of the season. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you care less—it just means you’re protecting your energy and focusing on quality time with loved ones.

For example, if your husband’s parents want to host a second Thanksgiving dinner the same day you’ve already planned to spend Thanksgiving with your family, it’s okay to decline and suggest an alternative. The goal is to keep the season manageable without running yourself ragged.

Actionable Tip

Prepare a kind but firm response for situations where you need to say no. For example: “We’d love to celebrate with you, but we already have plans for that day. Could we plan a dinner the following weekend instead?”

This approach acknowledges the invitation while setting a clear boundary and offering a solution. Having these responses ready ahead of time will make those tricky conversations much easier and less stressful. Remember, it’s not about avoiding anyone—it’s about creating a season you can actually enjoy.

#4 Remember That Holidays Are More About Who Than When

Who says you have to celebrate Christmas on December 25th or host Thanksgiving on the exact day? The holidays don’t lose their magic if you celebrate on different days, especially when it means you can avoid the stress of overpacked schedules. Flexibility can be a lifesaver when you’re splitting the holidays between two families.

For example, you could spend Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with the other or host a big family Christmas celebration the weekend before. When you shift your mindset and focus on the quality of time spent together rather than the calendar date, it opens up so many possibilities for meaningful connections.

Actionable Tip

Suggest specific alternative dates for key celebrations. If your parents live far away and can’t make it on Christmas Day, invite them to your home for a cozy post-holiday dinner the next weekend. For major holidays, consider rotating between families each year to make things fair. Flexibility shows that you’re committed to spending time with everyone while keeping the holidays stress-free.

#5 Create Your Own Holiday Traditions

Amid all the chaos of splitting the holidays between two families, don’t lose sight of what you want your own family to experience. Creating your own traditions is a beautiful way to connect as a couple or small family unit and make memories that are uniquely yours.

Whether it’s spending Christmas morning at home opening presents with your kids or hosting a quiet Thanksgiving brunch before heading to a larger dinner, these personal traditions can become the moments you all cherish the most.

Don’t feel pressured to make them elaborate—sometimes, simple activities like baking cookies together or watching your favorite holiday movies can have the most impact. All that matters is you spend time together. These traditions also help create a sense of stability and intimacy in a season that can often feel overwhelming.

Actionable Tip

Choose one new tradition to start this year and make it a priority. Write it on your calendar and treat it as a non-negotiable commitment, just like any other holiday gathering. For example, you might decide to host a “pajamas and pancakes” breakfast on Christmas morning before heading to larger celebrations. Over time, these traditions become a cornerstone of your family’s holiday memories and can be passed down to future generations.

#6 Communicate Plans to Both Families

Communication is key to keeping holiday celebrations harmonious. Sharing your plans early with both sides of the family helps avoid misunderstandings, last-minute changes, and, most importantly, hurt feelings.

Let everyone know where you’ll be for major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, and be transparent about any constraints, like travel time or needing to spend some moments as your own family unit. By looping everyone in, you show respect for their time and help them plan accordingly. Plus, being upfront can diffuse potential tension or disappointment before it even begins.

Actionable Tip

Send out a group message or email outlining your holiday schedule. Be firm but fair and assure the family who’s missing out this year that you plan to rotate major holidays.

For example, tell your families: “This year, we’ll spend Thanksgiving dinner at my mom’s house and Christmas Eve with your family. We’re planning a quiet Christmas morning at home but would love to come by later in the day!” This keeps everyone informed while setting clear expectations.

Remember to stay flexible if changes arise, but don’t feel obligated to say yes to every request.

#7 Get Creative with Travel Plans

If your family and your spouse’s live in different areas, holiday travel can be one of the biggest stressors. Long drives or flights, especially with kids in tow, can quickly zap your holiday spirit. That’s why it pays to think outside the box when planning how to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, or other major holidays.

Consider breaking up long trips with overnight stays or turning travel into part of the fun. If both families live far apart, alternate visits each year or pick a neutral location to host everyone. Travel doesn’t have to feel like a chore when you build in time for rest, fun stops, and quality moments along the way.

Actionable Tip

Research halfway points or unique destinations to turn travel into part of the holiday experience. For example, if your parents live six hours away, stop halfway at a charming small town for lunch or a festive light display. This breaks up the monotony and gives everyone something to look forward to on the journey. Booking travel early also reduces stress, so start planning as soon as possible.

#8 Set Realistic Expectations for Kids

The holidays can be magical for kids, but they can also be overwhelming. Between long car rides, meeting extended family, and disrupted routines, it’s easy for little ones to get cranky or overstimulated.

To keep the season enjoyable for everyone, set realistic expectations for your kids and build in plenty of downtime. Prepare them for the day ahead by explaining where you’ll be going and who they’ll see, especially if they’re meeting new family members or traveling to unfamiliar places. Managing transitions thoughtfully can help kids stay calm and happy throughout holiday celebrations.

Actionable Tip

Pack a “holiday survival kit” for kids with snacks, activities, and comfort items like their favorite blanket or stuffed animal. If your schedule includes a lot of travel or back-to-back events, make sure to include headphones, a favorite movie, or an audiobook to keep them entertained. This small step can make transitions smoother and keep everyone in good spirits.

#9 Use Technology to Stay Connected

Not everyone can be there in person during the holidays, and that’s okay! Technology offers a wonderful way to stay connected with loved ones who are far away.

Virtual gatherings can be just as meaningful, whether you’re sharing a Thanksgiving toast over video chat or opening presents together on Christmas morning via Zoom. This is especially helpful for large families or situations where travel isn’t possible. Embracing tech-savvy solutions ensures that no one feels left out, even if they can’t physically join the celebration.

Actionable Tip

Schedule a video call with family members during a quiet moment of the day. For instance, connect over coffee on Christmas morning or during dinner prep on Thanksgiving. You could even plan a virtual activity, like cooking the same recipe together or playing a holiday-themed trivia game. These moments bridge the distance and create memories, even when miles apart.

#10 Plan for Downtime

Amid all the holiday hustle and bustle, don’t forget to schedule moments to recharge. Downtime is crucial for keeping the holiday season fun and enjoyable rather than exhausting. This might look like an unplanned afternoon spent lounging in pajamas or a quiet evening baking cookies with your spouse and kids.

Having an “off day” in your calendar gives you space to decompress and enjoy the holiday spirit without pressure. Think of it as a reset button—one that keeps the joy alive even during the busiest times.

Actionable Tip

Block out an entire day or evening where you commit to doing nothing except relaxing at home. Whether it’s sipping hot cocoa by the fire or hosting a low-key game night with your kids, prioritize this time for your own family unit. This simple habit can make the season feel more grounded and meaningful.

Final Thoughts: Don’t Forget to Check in With Yourself

With all the focus on keeping family members happy and balancing traditions, it’s easy to neglect your own well-being during the holidays. But taking care of yourself is just as important as planning the perfect family Christmas or making sure everyone gets equal time.

Pay attention to how you’re feeling—physically and emotionally—throughout the holiday season. Are you exhausted from too many commitments? Stressed from trying to please everyone? Recognizing signs of burnout early allows you to make adjustments before the joy of the season is overshadowed by overwhelm.

Remember, the holidays are meant to be a wonderful time for you, too, so don’t be afraid to prioritize your own needs.